EST Gee X Lick Back
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Then thar's sum hu haint much faith in thar repertashun standinmuch ove a strain; they'll be powerful keerful how an' whar theyreads my words. Now, tu them I haint wun word tu say: they hesbeen preached to, an' prayed fur, now ni ontu two thousand yearsan' I won't dart weeds whar thuty-two poun shot bounces back.
Well, while he wer eatin, she spied out that his shutwer mons'ous stiff, an' es slick es glass, so she neverrested ontill she wurmed hit outen 'im that hit werdun wif a flour preparashun. She went wif 'im a pieceove the way down the mountin, to git the purticulers,an' when she cum back she sed she had em. I thot she had myse'f.
The fust thing he did thar, wer to proffer to tendthe Capitol grouns in inyuns, an' beans, on the shears,an' tu sell the statoot ove Columbus tu a tenpin alley,fur a sign, an' the she injun wif him, tu send back theballs. He stole the Romun swoard ofen the stone picterove War thar, an' fotch hit tu his wife fur a meat-chopper.He practised lor ontu yu fur eny thing yu hed,from a hanful ove chesnuts to a plantushun, an' tu tellhit all in a minit, when he dies, he'll make the fastestrip tu the senter ove soot, sorrer, an' smoke, on record,not even sceptin ole Iskariott's fas' time.
WHEN I war a littil over half grown, hed sproutedmy tail feathers, an' wer beginnin tu crow, thar wer alivin in the neighborhood a dredful fat, mean, lazy boy,'bout my age. He wer the middil son ove a ole lark,name Skissim. He tinkered ontu ole clocks, an' spininwheels, et lye hominy, an' exhortid at meetin fur alivin, while this middil boy ove hisen, did the sleepinfur the hole famurly. He cud beat a hog an' a hungrydorg eatin, an' then beat his eatin wif his sleepin, es bades his eatin beat the eatin ove a rat, arter bein shut in achurch, ur a snake in a jug wif no mouf tu hit. Theywaked him tu eat, an' then hed tu wake him agin tumake him quit eatin; waked him tu go tu the spring,an' waked him tu start back agin; waked him tu sayhis prayers, an' waked him tu stop sayin 'em. In facthey wer allers a-wakin him, an' he wer allers a-gointu sleep agin. Ole Skissim waked 'im wif a wagginwhip, an' a buckshot in the cracker, what he totedapupus. His mam waked him wif the tea-kittil an'scaldin warter. Bof the buck-shot cracker an' the warterlos thar vartu et las, an' they jis' gin him over tuonaindin sleepin, an' onmitigated hardness ove hed.Charley Dickins's son, the fat boy, mout been es ni kintu him es a secund cuzzin, ef his mam wer a pow'fulwakeful 'oman.
Well, they went tu nite meetin an' lef him in thekitchin fas' asleep, belevin tu fine him right thar whenthey cum back; but they wer mistaken'd that pop, furwhen they cum they foun the widest awake boy everborn'd in that ur eny uther house, ur outen doors either,an' es tu bein rite thar he warn't by a durn'd site; hewer here, thar, an' every whar, et the same time, an' efhe hed any apertite fur vittils jis' then, he didn't hangout his sign, that I cud see.
I screw'd ontu each ove his years a par ove iron hanvices,what his dad squeezed ole clocks, an crac't warnutswit, an' they hung down like over-grow'd yearrings;I tied a gridiron to wun ankil, an' a par ovefire-tongs tu tuther; I pour'd a bottil ove groun redpepperdown his back, onder his shut; I turn'd loose apint ove June-bugs, what I kotch apupus, intu his buzzum,an' buttoned em up; I tied a baskit full ove firecrakers tu the cheer back, tu his har, an' tu his wrists;I button'd up a big grey-whisker'd aggravated ole rat,tied wif a string intu the slack ove his britches; tuthersend ove the string wer fas' ontu his gallus button, anthe rat, like all the res' ove that tribe, imejuntly sot incuttin his way out; but owin to his parvarse nater urthe darkness ove the place, he sot in tu cuttin the wrongway; he wer a workin towards the back-bone, an' furderfrum the britches, every cut. I learnt this fac'from the cheer risin frum the flure, an' fallin agin jis'tu rise imejuntly a littil higher, an' sum souns, a mixtryove snort, snore, grunt, an' groan, which he wer beginin tu isoo tolabil fas', an' gettin louder every bounceove the cheer, an' becumin more like ontu a howl everypop. In the beginin ove his oneasines he dream'd ovewagin whip, nex' he dream'd ove a tea-kittil es big es astill, an' lots ove bilin wartar, an' nex he drempt ovebof ove 'em; an' now he wer a dreamin that the tea-kittilwer a steam ingine, a drivin the waggin whip, an'a cottin gin wif red hot saws fifteen hundred licks aminis, an' that he wer in the cottin hopper.
I now thot hit ni ontu the proper time tu tetch thecrackers, so es tu hev everything bar hits shar in thekontemplated cummin waknin. An' I did hit. Thefust handful ur so gwine off help'd, wif the industry ovethat energetic ole rat, the sarchin ove the red pepper, an'the permiskus scratchin roun ove the bugs, tu begin tuwake him sorter gradully, a littil faster nor light breadrises, an' a littil slower then a yeathquake wakes-weazels.A few hundred more gwine off, still hevin therat, pepper, an' insex tu back em, got him wide enufawake tu bleve that he wer threatened wif sum orfulpussonal calamerty, what wanted pow'ful quick workon his part tu dodge. He wer awake now all overeven to his durnd ole hat, an' he show'd hit in es menyways es a cat dus, lock'd up in a empty room wif astrange an' interprisin big dorg.
When I'se in trubbil, skeer, ur tormint, I dus butwun thing, an' that's onresistabil, onekeled, an' durn'dfas' runnin, an' I jis' keeps at hit till I gits cumfort.Now his big idear onder nise an' varigated hurtin werto fite, an' keep on a-fitin, ontil peace ove mine cum.I never seed sich keryins on in all my born'd days.He made more fuss, hit more licks at more things, werin more places, an' in more shapes, in a shorter time,then eny mortal auctioneer cud tell ef he hed es menytungs es a baskit full ove buckils. Every now an' thenhe'd gin his head a vishus, vigrus shake, an' the hanviceswud hit him fore an' arter, till his skull rattiledlike ontu a ole gourd.
The ole hoss hisse'f imejuntly cum in contack wifa holesum knock down, what calm'd him int sumthinmons'us like sleep, fur about a minit. Now a heap ovethings ken happen in a minit, purtickerly ef thar's sumbodywho hes sot his hole soul tu the bisiness ovemakin em happen. Hit wer so in that kitchen. Aginthe ole feller cum tu the ole 'oman wer knocked hedfust intu the meal-barril, whar she wer breathin moremeal nur air, an' she wer snortin hit up over the aidgesove the barril like hit wer a fountin playin corn meal.The ol'est gal wer sturn fus' in a soap-kittil, an' she wora-makin suds outen sum ove hit. The nex' wun werlaingthwise belly down in the pot corner. The biggestboy wer whar the back-log orter been, ontu his all foursa-scratchin up all the embers an' ashes, a-tryin tu cumout from thar. Anuther cub, in a jackid wif a wuninch tail, wer knocked plum thru the tin intu the safeamung the cold vitils an' things. A littil gal, doll babyan' all, wer on the top shelf ove the cup-board, amungthe delf, a-screamin like a littil steam whistil.
An' I b'leve in hit strong, fur I begun tu feel hitpow'ful. My toes felt like I wer in a warm krick wifminners a-nibblin at em; a cole streak wer a racin upan' down my back like a lizzard wif a tucky hen arter'im; my hans tuck the ager, an' my hart felt hot an onsatisfiedlike. Then hit wer that I'd a-cut ole Soul's froatwif a hansaw, an' never batted my eye, ef she'd a-hintedthe needsesity.
I wer aimin fur Dr. Goodman's, at the HiwaseeCopper Mine, to git sumthin tu simmer hit down wif,when I met ole Clapshaw, the suckit-rider, a-travelinto'ards sumbody's hot biskit an' fried chicken. As Icum tarin along, he hilt up his hans like he wanted tupray fur me; but es I wanted sumthin tu reach furder,an' take a ranker holt nur his prars cud, I jis' rambledahead. I wer hot arter a ten-hoss dubbil-actin steampaunch-pump, wif wun aind sock'd deep intu my sodalake, an' a strong manbody doctur at tuther; hit wermy jis' then. He tuck a skeer, es I wer cuminstrait fur him; his faith gin out, an' he dodged, flathat, hoss, an' saddil-bags, into the thicket. I seed hishoss's tail fly up over his back, es he disappear'd intuthe bushes; thar mus' a-been spurrin gwine on 'boutthar. I liked his moshuns onder a skeer rite well; hemade that dodge jis' like a mud-turkil draps ofen a logwhen a big steamboat cums tarin a-pas'. Es he pass'dole man Burns's, Sicily hailed 'im tu ax ef he met enybodygwine up the road in a sorter hurry. The poordevil tho't that p'raps he mout; warnt sure, but he hedseed a dreadful forewarnin, ur a ghos', ur ole Belzebub,ur the Tariff. Takin all things tugether, however, inthe litil time spar'd tu 'im fur 'flection, hit mus' a-beena crazy, long-laiged shakin Quaker, fleein frum the rathto cum, on a black an' white spotted hoss, a-whipin 'imwif a big brush; an' he hed a white beard what cumfrum jis onder his eyes down tu the pumil ove the saddil,an' then forked an' went tu his knees, an' frumthar drapp'd in bunches es big es a crow's nes', tu thegroun; an' he hearn a soun like ontu the rushin ovemitey warters, an' he wer pow'fully exersized 'bout hitenyhow. Well, I guess he wer, an' so wer his fat hoss,an' so wer ole Blackey, an' more so by a durn'd site werme mysef. Arter he cumpos'd hissef he rit out his foolnoshuns fur Sicily, that hit wer a new steam invenshun,tu spread the Catholic doctrin, an' tote the Pope's bullsto pastur in distunt lans, made outen sheet iron, inginrubber, tann'd leather, ise cream, an' fat pine, an' thatthe hoss's tail wer made outen iron wire, red hot at thepint, an' a stream ove sparks es long es the steerin-oarove a flatboat foller'd thararter; an' takin hit all tugetherhit warnt a safe thing tu meet in a lane ove adark nite; an' he tho't he hed a call over the mountintu anuther sarkit; that chickens warnt es plenty overthar, but then he wer a self-denyin man.
Now, George, ef yu knows the nater ove a cowbrute, they is the durndes' fools amung all the beastes,('scept the Lovingoods;) when they gits intu tribulashun,they knows muffin but tu shot thar eyes, beller,an' back, an' keep a-backin. Well, when ole Sockraised his head an' foun hissef in darkness, he jis'twisted up his tail, snorted the shatter'd co'n outen thebaskit, an' made a tremenjus lunge agin the hous'. Ihearn the picters a-hangin agin the wall on the insidea-fallin. He fotch a deep loud rusty beller, mout beenhearn a mile, an' then sot intu a onendin sistem ovebackin. A big craw-fish wif a hungry coon a-reachinfur him, wer jis' nowhar. Fust agin one thing, thenover anuther, an' at las' agin the bee-bainch, knockinhit an' a dozen stan ove bees heads over heels, an' thenstompin back'ards thru the mess. Hit haint much wufwhile tu tell what the bees did, ur how soon they sotintu duin hit. They am pow'ful quick-tempered littilcritters, enyhow. The air wer dark wif 'em, an' Sockwer kivered all over, frum snout tu tail, so clost yucudent a-sot down a grain ove wheat fur bees, an' theywer a-fitin one anuther in the air, fur a place on thebull. The hous' stood on sidelin groun, an' the backdoor wer even wif hit. So Sock happen tu hit hitplum, jis' backed intu the hous' onder 'bout two hundredan' fifty pouns ove steam, bawlin orful, an' everysnort he fotch he snorted away a quart ove bees ofenhis sweaty snout. He wer the leader ove the bigges'an' the madest army ove bees in the worild. Thar werat leas' five solid bushels ove 'em. They hed filled thebaskit, an' hed lodged ontu his tail, ten deep, ontil hitwer es thick es a waggin tung. He hed hit stuck straitup in the air, an' hit looked adzackly like a dead pinekivered wif ivey. I think he wer the hottes' and wushurtin bull then livin; his temper, too, seemed tu bepow'fully flustrated. Ove all the durn'd times an' kerryinson yu ever hearn tell on wer thar an' thar abouts.He cum tail fust agin the ole two story Dutch clock, an'fotch hit, bustin hits runnin geer outen hit, the littilwheels a-trundlin over the floor, an' the bees evenchasin them. Nex pass, he fotch up agin the foot ovea big dubbil injine bedstead, rarin hit on aind, an'punchin one ove the posts thru a glass winder. Thenex tail fus' experdishun wer made aginst the caticorner'dcupboard, outen which he made a perfeckmomox. Fus' he upsot hit, smashin in the glass doors,an' then jis' sot in an' stomp'd everything on the shelvesintu giblits, a-tryin tu back furder in that direckshun,an' tu git the bees ofen his laigs. 59ce067264